Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A "First" I wasn't expecting

This past weekend my nephew got married and Caden was asked to be the ring bearer for the ceremony. It was the first wedding I've been to in many years and the first one Caden had ever been to. It was such an honor for him to participate in such a beautiful ceremony.

Everything was going along okay, then BAM!! Out of nowhere the grief hit as I realized I would never have the opportunity to see Caleb stand in a wedding as a ring bearer, a groomsman, a best man, or a groom. The worst part is knowing that I will never see him get married. And the tears started.

From the day he was born, Richard and I began praying for his future wife. That she would be a woman who loved God first, then Caleb. That she would be raised by loving parents who would teach her what it means to follow God with all her heart. That she would be faithful to God and Caleb. That she would respect & love Caleb with all her being. That he would respect & love her and treat her like a princess.

And now none of that will happen.

Then I reminded myself that the day was not about me. It was about the bride and groom. It was their happy day and there was no way I was going to drag it down. So, I left the reception early. As I headed back to the house, I decided to stop and "drown my sorrows."

Oh, the healing wonders of a large Sonic Oreo Blast with extra Oreos!

Fortunately, Caden didn't have to witness my mini-breakdown. He had been spending time with his cousins and "Aunt Dar." They were having a sleep-over that night after the reception. The next day, she posted something so profound and true:

I had such a wonderful time with the kiddos this weekend. A joy to watch them play wide open.
But always, always never far was the knowledge that Caden's bother Caleb should be have been here with us. I could hear his laughter that should have been right alongside his brother and cousins he never met. A 4 year old should not have to tell new people who meet him and ask the innocent question "do you have any brothers & sisters?"

"Yes, I have a brother. He's in heaven."

It's been 2 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 4 days since Caleb died and I still haven't figured out how to answer the "how many children do you have?" (or if I'm with Caden, the "is he your only child?") question. I dread that question. Yet, Caden seems to have found the right answer for him.  

We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden