I know it's been a while since I last updated. There have been many times that I sit down to write and all I do is cry. Maintaining this blog has been more difficult than I imagined it would be. I feel Caleb's absence more intensely when writing about how we are doing without him. It hurts so very much. I stay as busy as I can so I don't have time to think about how much I miss him. Then, all of a sudden, I'll break down and cry. About that time, Caden will walk in and say, "Mommy, it's okay to cry if you miss my brother. I miss him, too." Such wisdom from one so young.
It's really hard to remember what's been happening the past few months. Still feeling like my head is in a fog. Richard's new job is going well. Caden's last day of pre-school is tomorrow. I'm still enjoying my job at Caden's pre-school and looking forward to the fall and a new batch of kiddos to love on.
We've made it through a few more "firsts": new year's, Richard's b-day, valentine's day, bereavement camp, anniversary of Caleb's death. We've now finished the first year without him. It's not been easy, but we have survived. I decided that it was time to redecorate Caleb's room (now the guest bedroom) in his memory. So, it's slowly becoming the "Butterfly Room." Tried really hard to get it done by his angelversary date, but that didn't happen. We still have a couple things to hang up on the walls & maybe a few more knick-knacks around the room. Hopefully, I'll post some pics of the room soon. Kinda waiting til we get the rest of the stuff on the walls first.
The closet in that room is being temporarily converted to a scrapbook station. While at Camp Sol in March, I discovered how fun scrapbooking can be when I have more than 30 minutes to work on something. I've gotten a ton of supplies together and am just about ready to start putting together my first page for my first scrapbook.
We also bought a beautiful metal butterfly to put out at Caleb's burial site. I've even agreed to go with Richard when it's placed. Still not sure I'm ready, but I've given my word and I intend to keep it. I've not been able to visit the site since the memorial stone was placed a couple weeks after burial. I've been to the property a few times, but haven't gone near his grave. When we're in the area & Richard wants to go, I stay in the vehicle and keep my eyes closed. It's kinda strange. I vacillate between knowing that it's only Caleb's shell there and thinking that my baby is in that cold ground. And it's the whole "my baby is there" thought that has kept me away.
This weekend we will be taking our first family picture without Caleb. It's a bittersweet thing to think about. Part of me says we can never have a "family" picture done again because part of our family will always be missing. Another part acknowledges that this is part of our process and a step that needs to be taken to keep living instead of just existing. Honestly, if I hadn't found a really good Groupon for the pics, we probably still wouldn't be having them done yet. But, I did. It's scheduled. We're going to go. And by golly, we're going to enjoy it!
So, that's about it for now. I think I'm going to go color my hair so it's done before pics on Sunday.
We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our
hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.
Angel, Richard & Caden