Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Loved to Infinity and Beyond

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, thoughts of you filled my mind. I was remembering you and it seemed as though your entire life flashed before my eyes. When I awoke this morning, I wrote down these words.

Loved to Infinity and Beyond

I was in the room as you came out of her womb and breathed for the first time
I severed the cord between you and her; then knew that you were mine
You were handed to me and as I held you tightly in my grasp
The love inside began to grow as I thought, "My child, at last."

I watched you grow, I helped you play, I taught you how to speak
Each day with you was a miracle as was the love that we would keep.

You were told of God's great love for you and how Jesus gave His life
You accepted Him within your heart and gave to Him your life
You loved to laugh, you loved to smile, you even loved to sing
Your favorite songs were worship songs and you gladly praised our King.

When you turned five, things started to change; something was not right
You were hurting, your smile was off, and you were not sleeping tight.

It all changed in an instant, we couldn't believe the things that we had heard
In the blink of an eye, our lives turned upside down based on a single word
You were so quiet, so very still as you lay sleeping on the bed
The doctors confirmed it was a tumor that was inside your head.

We started a journey we didn't want and thought we'd never have to take
"My child is sick, may even die" and my heart began to break.

Doctors, hospitals, and MRIs -- those became our "new norm"
This wasn't what I pictured on the day that you were born
You hurt so much and I couldn't imagine being in such pain
Yet you bore it all, you were so brave, and you would not complain.

Just five short months from diagnosis, you grew so very weak
You couldn't walk, you barely ate, you couldn't even speak.

The night before you passed away, you looked into my eyes
You told me that you loved me and I think you realized
You'd never speak to us again, you'd never even wake
Then you drifted off to sleep with a smile upon your face.

Your breathing became labored, it would soon be time for death
I held you closely in my arms as you breathed your final breath.

I miss you more than ever, but rejoice because I know
We'll meet again in Heaven, God said it would be so
Oh, the joys and wonders and the things there'll be to see
When together again in Heaven, we finally will be.

I love you, dearest Caleb, you are always in my heart
Loved to infinity and beyond just like in the start.

Angela Huffines
July 26, 2011

Caleb, I will love and miss you as long as I draw breath within me -- until we are reunited in Heaven. Continue to praise our Lord and King. Sing so loud that I can hear you from here, sweet boy.

I love you to infinity and beyond,

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"Mommy, I miss Bubba so much..."

Dearest Caleb,

Caden has really been missing you these past few weeks. At least once a day, he gets this really sad look on his face and says, "Mommy, I miss Bubba so much."

We went to McD's recently and actually ate inside instead of just going through the drive thru. I'd been avoiding the play area because I'm still not up to handling that yet. However, Caden wanted to play. So, your dad took him to the play area and I stayed in the other section of the restaurant. Caden is finally big enough to climb in the play area by himself. He made it all the way to the top and never got scared. Daddy said Caden had a good time.

Sunday, we went to Little Elm Park as a family for the first time in a few months. CrossRidge was having an ice cream social. As I watched Caden play, all I could think of was how much fun you had the last time you were there. It was one of the few days you were feeling really well. I can still see your smiling face on the equipment as Daddy took your picture. Thankfully, there were a lot of people there and I managed to make it through without breaking down. I met a lady there who was a sub at ELC last year. She told me that the blog really helped her get through her father's death recently. I'm so grateful that God is still using you, me and the blog to help others.

We were listening to the radio today and your favorite Matthew West song (The Motions) came on. Caden came running into the office where I was and hollered, "That's Bubba's song!" He's watched your celebration video so many times that he can just about sing it now, too.

Tonight as we were finishing dinner, he looked at your picture on the fridge and said, "That's MY Caleb." I think it's the first time I've heard him actually say your name instead of just saying, "Bubba."

I just wanted to let you know that you are still missed daily by so many people. You have impacted the lives of people that we may never meet until we join you in Heaven. Thank you, for letting your love for God shine so brightly while you were here.

Always and forever loved,

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Baby Mine

My Beautiful Caleb,

Tonight, I went to change your brother before I went to bed, and discovered he had soaked through his diaper already. With Daddy's help, we got him and his bedding changed. When we put him back in the bed, he started crying. I figured he would calm down fairly quickly so I left the room. He went from crying to screaming and crying. I decided I didn't want him to get more worked up, so I carried him into the living room to hold and rock him for a bit. I automatically began singing "Baby Mine" to calm him down. I didn't even make past the first line before I started crying. Since it seemed to be working to calm him down, I kept going. It's the first time I've sung that song since I sang it to you the day you died. I began to picture all the times I sang it to you over the years and how much you loved it. I could hear you saying, "Mommy, sing Baby Mine" when you were upset or hurting. I could almost hear your sweet voice singing it with me.

I struggled through the rest of the song, but I finished it. By the time I did, tears were freely flowing down my face. Caden looked up at me with innocence on his face and asked, "Mommy, are you okay?" I didn't quite know what to say. I told him I was okay and that I loved him very, very much. He then glanced over at the digital frame and said, "Mommy, look! It's Bubba." I just held him tighter and cried some more while kissing his little forehead. We miss you so much.

The last line of Baby Mine says, "But you're so precious to me, sweet as can be, baby of mine." that is exactly how I feel about both of you boys. I can't imagine how different my life would have been if you had never been a part of it.

I love you, baby mine,

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th of July, Caleb!

Dearest Caleb,

It's hard to believe it's been over 3 months since you left us. I find myself doing whatever I can to stay busy so I don't have much time to dwell on the lack of your presence.

We've made it through another holiday without you. Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, and now Independence Day are just not the same this year. Your dad and I will have our annual viewing of Independence Day this evening after Caden goes to bed. We would have waited that late if you were here since it the aliens kinda scared you last year. I don't think I'm up to watching the fireworks this year. You enjoyed them so much and that's all I would think about this time. I hope you enjoy all the fireworks tonight. I'm sure you'll have the best seat in the house!

Caden and I went to Sea World in San Antonio a few weeks ago. He got to have breakfast with Elmo and the other Sesame Street characters. I wish you could have seen the sheer joy on his face as he ran around the room to hug them all. He also loved watching the Shamu show. We fed the dolphins and enjoyed the rest of the shows and exhibits. The only time I had any trouble was going into the penguin house. Knowing how much you loved penguins and wishing you could see them was a little more than I could handle and I walked out.

Grandma and Grandpop were here last weekend. Grandpop wanted to take Caden to see Cars 2. It was Caden's first time at a movie theater. He did so well. It was amazing watching his eyes as big as saucers and his mouth dropped open in wonder at the size of the screen. He thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Now that I know he can handle it, we'll probably go see some during the day when it's not crowded.

I love you to infinity and beyond,