Friday, June 3, 2011

Gone from us for 10 weeks today

My sweet, sweet Caleb,

I know it's been a couple weeks since I've written, but it's just so hard to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling.  I do okay most days and then I sit down to write to you and the tears flow freely. I can't seem to control them. I'm not sure I really want to control them yet.

At 11:15 p.m. tonight, you will have been gone from us for exactly 10 weeks. It's hard to believe it's been only 10 weeks. It seems like so much longer. Then again, it seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms when you breathed your last breath. My arms ache when I think of the times I held you. They feel so empty. Your memory surrounds my every waking moment. You are constantly in my dreams. I long to see your beautiful face and hear you say you love me just one more time. I keep thinking that will be enough, but somehow I know it won't.

I still wonder frequently what you are experiencing now. What joys are you beholding in the presence of pure love? What is it like to walk and talk with Jesus face-to-face? To never be in pain again? Do you think of us often or are the wonders of Heaven more than enough?

I love you so very much and I know that my love doesn't even begin to compare to the love you now know. I believe your dad and I did the best we could to raise you the best way we knew how. I know there are times that I blew it, but I hope you know how much you mean to us and how very special you were and still are.

I love you to infinity and beyond,


  1. caleb is such a lucky boy. to be able to be so loving and caring and silly and simply wonderful, i just imagine all love and joy he felt growing up.
    it's strange how empty and sad i feel. i cannot even imagine the eternity of your sorrow as his parents...

    even though i didn't see him or talk to him all that often, i just felt happy and safe and secure in my heart that he was so loved and so happy. i'm so glad i got to know that he was right where he belonged.

    i cannont let myself think about him too much, those close to me will wonder what the heck is wrong with me because i can't stop crying. i just can't not cry when i realize he's gone.

    now i know how an amputee feels. it's like i know a piece of my heart is gone... but when i really actually FEEL it gone, i panic like i can feel it there but it's not there. like putting on a shirt will never be the same even though i have to do it every day.

    i love you all so much. caleb is so, so loved and his mother, there is nothing more you could ever hope for <3

  2. I feel blessed to be a part of his life. I am a better person for having loved him. Thank you Richard and Angel for sharing him with us. Through you guys i now understand when it is said that he has a plan for us all.
    What came out of that boys mind and heart, I am still blown away.
    Keep the Faith.
    Love Aunt Dark :)

  3. Angel,
    I so wish I could help your pain. I still pray for you all the time. I pray blessings upon you and your family. I pray that God will not ever lessen your memory of Caleb, but to remove the pain that goes with the memories of loss. You are such a strong, Godly, inspirational woman!!! Caden and Richard are so lucky to have you!
    Love you,
    Cyndi Heath :)