Friday, June 10, 2011

Gone, but NEVER forgotten


Things are going okay here. Each day gets a little easier than the day before. I still miss you like crazy, but I'm coping with it better. And then something will happen that gets me crying again.

Monday morning it was the flyer left on our door about the upcoming vacation Bible school at CrossRidge. This was the first year  you were old enough to attend. I just knew that you would love it because of how much you love Jesus. After I had a good cry for about 15 minutes, I realized that you are in Eternal Heaven School, which is soooo much better because you are learning directly from the Master Himself! Your knowledge increased exponentially overnight! You know more than I do now. Praise God for His faithfulness and everlasting love!!!

Then on Wednesday, your monthly Highlights magazine came in the mail. And the tears started again. I realized that every month I got that silly magazine was another month you were gone, and I just couldn't bear the thought. I almost tore it into pieces. Instead, I calmed myself down then called the magazine to have it cancelled. As much as I love that magazine too, I just can't handle having the physical monthly reminder right now.

Caden's been asking about you more lately. He went to Gma's & Pawpaw Ron's a couple weeks ago for the weekend. We got there Wednesday night. First thing Thursday morning, he started asking where you were and got quite upset when he couldn't find you. I guess he thought you've been there all this time since he'd been spending so much time there when you were sick. It took a while to get him calmed down and reminded that you live with Jesus in Heaven now and are always in our hearts.

As I'm writing this, I'm crying again. Caden just came in and asked if I'm okay. I told him how much I miss you and he says he misses you too. Then he grabbed a tissue and wiped the tears from my eyes and kissed my cheeks. I couldn't help but smile as I hear him say, "It's okay, Momma." I remember you saying the same thing every time you saw me cry.

I don't want you to think that all I do is sit around and cry all the time, because I don't. I laugh when I see certain pictures. I hear songs you used to sing and in my mind I hear the words you would make up when you couldn't remember what the words were supposed to be.  There are even times that I am so wrapped up in something that's going on that I don't think about you at all.  I'm not saying that I've forgotten you, because that will never happen. I'm just saying that it gets easier to go on without you here.

I know I don't have to worry about you any longer. You are in the hands of the greatest Father ever! As much as I would like to think you are worrying about me, I know you aren't. We taught you about God's love for us and you have first-hand knowledge of it now. You know that He is holding onto us as we hold onto Him during this time. We are not suffering. We are saddened that you are not here with us. We had great hopes for your future here on earth, but our greatest hope for you has already been realized -- that you would love God with all your heart for all the days of your life.

Thank you for teaching us that it can be done. That, even in times of adversity, God is still with us. We love you so very much. You may be gone from our physical presence, but you are NEVER forgotten!

I love you to infinity and beyond,

Friday, June 3, 2011

Gone from us for 10 weeks today

My sweet, sweet Caleb,

I know it's been a couple weeks since I've written, but it's just so hard to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling.  I do okay most days and then I sit down to write to you and the tears flow freely. I can't seem to control them. I'm not sure I really want to control them yet.

At 11:15 p.m. tonight, you will have been gone from us for exactly 10 weeks. It's hard to believe it's been only 10 weeks. It seems like so much longer. Then again, it seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms when you breathed your last breath. My arms ache when I think of the times I held you. They feel so empty. Your memory surrounds my every waking moment. You are constantly in my dreams. I long to see your beautiful face and hear you say you love me just one more time. I keep thinking that will be enough, but somehow I know it won't.

I still wonder frequently what you are experiencing now. What joys are you beholding in the presence of pure love? What is it like to walk and talk with Jesus face-to-face? To never be in pain again? Do you think of us often or are the wonders of Heaven more than enough?

I love you so very much and I know that my love doesn't even begin to compare to the love you now know. I believe your dad and I did the best we could to raise you the best way we knew how. I know there are times that I blew it, but I hope you know how much you mean to us and how very special you were and still are.

I love you to infinity and beyond,