I may ramble a bit on this one, so please bear with me.
It's almost 11:30pm and I've been awake since 4:30am. I'm still wide awake while the rest of the house sleeps. I'm struggling with a bunch of different negative emotions right now -- anger, helplessness, uncertainty, exhaustion. I'm angry that my son has to suffer because of a stupid tumor. I feel totally helpless to do anything to change the situation on my own. I'm filled with uncertainty of the future because the things I've read about this type of tumor are not encouraging at all, but since the clinical trial we are in has never been done before, the outcome is uncertain as well. I'm physically, mentally & emotionally exhausted.
I sleep for an hour or two, then wake up because Caleb is in tears. Sometimes in pain, sometimes from a nightmare, sometimes with hunger pangs from the steroids. I'll get back to sleep and the cycle repeats. It seems like 5 minutes of sleep, then it's time to get up and start all over again. Prep the meds. Coax, cajole, coerce, beg, & plead with Caleb to take them. Clean up the mess from him batting them around when he's angry. Try my hardest not to get angry with him. Listen to him beg me for food that I can't give him until after radiation is over for the day.
I'm short-tempered at Richard & he hasn't done anything wrong. The worst part is that I don't know why I'm so short-tempered with him. Then I get mad at myself, which makes me more short-tempered, which makes me madder, and round-and-round we go.
And in the midst of all this, I'm still battling with constant pain in my own body.
But, it's amazing to me that even while these negative emotions are churning inside me, I can still feel a measure of peace. We have been overwhelmed with love, prayers, & gifts from people all over. From children hosting a lemonade stand for Caleb, teenagers hosting a car wash to raise money, friends delivering meals for 6 weeks, Richard's job allowing him to work from home so he can be here through radiation treatment, blankets & toys sent to both boys from a childhood schoolmate's mother, to the outpouring of love shown to Caleb when he visited his classmates at school last week for just a few minutes.
I've heard people tell me that God won't give me more than I can handle. I'm not so sure that is true. I do know that God will never give me more than He can handle! I think sometimes He does give us more than we can handle so we have to lean on Him more and draw closer to Him than ever before. I'm not saying that God caused this tumor to happen to Caleb, because that is not true. However, He can use this situation to make us stronger, if we will let Him do so.
Many years ago, someone said something about Psalm 23 that has stuck with me ever since. It says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thy rod and Thy staff comfort me." Notice that is says, "WALK THROUGH." It did not say to stop and set up camp. So, we WILL walk through this valley and come out stronger on the other side.
I am so grateful for God's love. His grace abounds toward us daily. His mercy is unfailing. I praise Him for holding us close to Him while we walk this road. I thank Him for the peace which truly passes understanding.
I sometimes feel like King David in the Psalms. He pours his heart out to God ranting & raving about all the bad things going on around him, then somehow always returns to God's love, grace & mercy by the end. And since the Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart, I can live with that comparison. I want to draw nearer to God daily.
Show me, teach me, guide me, Lord. Where You lead me, I will follow. Let me continue to be still and know that You are God. Give me the patience to handle Caleb with love when his attitude is at its worst due to the pain & medication. Help me to be a better mate to Richard, to stand by his side as we walk together along this path. We are not in this alone. Show me how to be a better mother to Caleb & Caden. Heal Caleb's body and remove the pain from him. All the glory is Yours, now and forever.